Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Dear Money,

I would like to make amends. I feel that I have mistreated you horribly and I'm sorry for that. I know that you haven't been coming around lately, and I think it's because of the way I've been acting toward you.

You see, it's not that I don't like you. It's that I REALLY like you. I know it doesn't seem like it much. I mean, I'm always giving you away and as soon as you return I just do it all over again. You are probably wondering what the heck is wrong with me.

Ok, so here's the deal. I have loved other things more than you lately and I want to say I'm sorry for that. When you asked me to put your needs first, it really made me think about what that means. I mean, I guess I can't have my $50 dollar face cream and eat it too. Well, mostly because it would taste horrible and I don't have poison control on my quick dial, but also because you are more important than that. Really, you are. You are so attractive (especially in the hundred dollar form. You know I've always had a weakness for balding men). You are so reliable (I mean, no matter what situation I'm in, you always seem to help out somehow.) And you have such a strong testimony (really, to tattoo your religious conviction on your backside is impressive to say the least.)

So, Money, I will treat you with more respect and love. I will not throw you aside for any cheap little slut of a purse, or any hussy pair of shoes. You mean so much more to me than that, baby. And I'll start by folding you up nicely and placing you in a safe place away from all predatory spending.

Now, with that said, I have to confront your brethren on a few matters: Change, you have got to get yourself together. You can't be hanging out all over the place and expect respect from me. You might have been of value years ago, but now you are just shiny little fountain toys as far as I'm concerned, and your behavior just reaffirming that fact. If you want to be taken seriously, you must gather yourself together and unite as a greater whole. If not, you're just going to end up laundry money.

I think I've said all I need to say on this matter. I hope you pennies especially paid attention.

Ok, well I expect to be seeing more of all of you on Friday. I will be anxiously waiting your arrival, and you have every right to call me out if I head straight to Nordy's like last time. I promise I will listen this time.



Thursday, April 30, 2009

Dear Swine Flu,

I'm am so upset at you. You are such a jerk. I can't believe you'd wait until I am FINALLY going on a vacation to show up. WHY???? Did you talk to 9/11? Did he tell you about how he decided to arrive ONE MONTH after I moved to NY?

What's the deal?

Ok, listen. I'll strike a deal with you. If you can call up Tornado, Earthquake, Tsunami, Plane Crash, Terrorist Attack, Cancer, and your cousins Bird Flu, Mad Cow, and SARS, and let them know to stay out of my way in November, then you can ravage Mexico with as much force as you would like for the month of May.

Oh, and can you call up Unemployment, Car Crash, and World War III as well?




Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Dear Self,

Welcome back.



Friday, February 6, 2009

Branch-Dansoman Branch
PO Box DC 215, Accra,
Opp., The Comm. Mkt.


With due respect, I introduce myself to you for a better relationship. I am M
Your contact is courtesy of Business online network via Internet as I decided
to contact you for this beneficial transaction that is 100% risk free.

During our quarterly annual auditing, I discovered the sum of (US$36M)THIRTY S
IX MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS in a dormant account belonging to Mr. CHARLES
NEWMAN,a German international businessman who died along with his family in
the November 5th,2004 plane crash in Abidjan west Africa. Our investigations r
evealed no survival or NEXT OF KIN/RELATIONS for claims as we have long been e
xpecting someone to forward applications for claims as it applies to our banki
ng regulations.
Information / verifications from reliable sources confirmed that his supposed
NEXT OF KIN died with him in the crash.

However, I kept this information (SECRET) confidential within my jurisdiction
to enable us submit claims and transfer this fund through trustworthy person w
hom we shall present to our bank as the BONAFIDE NEXT OF KIN to the deceased.
We intend to credit this fund into any of your nominated (designated) offshore
bank account
for investments.

Meanwhile, all domestic arrangements for claims has been put in place awaiting
your acceptance to participate.
I will give you directives and all needed information as soon as I receive y
our positive response.

Kindly understand that we could not carry out this on our own as based on the
simple facts that we are civil servants and not allowed to operate foreign acc
ount and, it will raise eyebrows on our side in terms of transfer being staff
of the bank. Moreover, this fund belongs to a foreigner and demands same as ne
xt of kin to claim it. Hence need outside contact for a successful operation.

I will offer you 20% of the total sum as commission, I will invest 75% of ou
r share in your country provided it is profit oriented. 5% of the total fund w
ill be set aside to re-emburse all expenses to be incurred in the course of r
unning this transaction such as telephone and other minor expenses. I am assur
ing you of a smooth and successful transaction provided you display maturity
and observe confidentiality.

And it will interest you to know that Ghana Commersial Bank(Apex) will approve
credit of this fund into your account as contract payment to abstain you from
all queries regarding the source (originality) of this fund and will provide
you (beneficiary) with contractual (data) details to certify your bank or gov
ernment if the need arises. Therefore, be kind to clarify the following for my

1. Can your account accommodate this fund in your local bank without governmen
t intervention or do you have an account outside your country where you may co
nsider safe for this fund ?.
2. What are the taxation in your country like as I desire a low/free tax zone?
3. What are the interest rates on long/short te rm fixed deposit in your local
4. What other lucrative investments would you suggest as I intend banking, rea
l est ate and hotels if they are good business venture in your Country?.
5. Can you be able to make residential documents and purchase a house for me a
nd my family to relocate and settle in your country after the transaction?
6. How old are you?
7. What kind of business do you do?/occupation
8.What is your marital statue at present

Kindly give me your telephone and fax number for more efficient communication
and reply me at my alternative email address. mr.lutherkom@yahoo.com.

Looking forward to your anticipated urgent response.

Best regards,

Dear Luther,

I am beloved of your offer to better our relationship through opportunities involving money transactions. It will interest you to know that I am full of not many pennies or even nickles, respectively. I fully anticipate and urge a complete lack of full response of this very urgent and (SECRET) matter of the (US$36M) THIRTY SIX MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS.

Love to you, your camel, and your


Monday, February 2, 2009

Dear Santa,

I realize that it's February now, but I have a few things that I really need and I don't know if you've ever done this before, but I was just wondering if maybe you could make a special exception just this once...

Could you please just send Rudolf with a pair of snow boots, a new pair of jeans (skinny please. I'm thinking J Brand Pencil Fit), a haircut/highlight, and some dental work. I know those last few are a bit of a struggle, but gift certificates are always available.

Oh, and one more thing. My juicer is on it's last leg. Can you make sure the new one can juice wheatgrass?

Thanks so much.