I would like to make amends. I feel that I have mistreated you horribly and I'm sorry for that. I know that you haven't been coming around lately, and I think it's because of the way I've been acting toward you.
You see, it's not that I don't like you. It's that I REALLY like you. I know it doesn't seem like it much. I mean, I'm always giving you away and as soon as you return I just do it all over again. You are probably wondering what the heck is wrong with me.
Ok, so here's the deal. I have loved other things more than you lately and I want to say I'm sorry for that. When you asked me to put your needs first, it really made me think about what that means. I mean, I guess I can't have my $50 dollar face cream and eat it too. Well, mostly because it would taste horrible and I don't have poison control on my quick dial, but also because you are more important than that. Really, you are. You are so attractive (especially in the hundred dollar form. You know I've always had a weakness for balding men). You are so reliable (I mean, no matter what situation I'm in, you always seem to help out somehow.) And you have such a strong testimony (really, to tattoo your religious conviction on your backside is impressive to say the least.)
So, Money, I will treat you with more respect and love. I will not throw you aside for any cheap little slut of a purse, or any hussy pair of shoes. You mean so much more to me than that, baby. And I'll start by folding you up nicely and placing you in a safe place away from all predatory spending.
Now, with that said, I have to confront your brethren on a few matters: Change, you have got to get yourself together. You can't be hanging out all over the place and expect respect from me. You might have been of value years ago, but now you are just shiny little fountain toys as far as I'm concerned, and your behavior just reaffirming that fact. If you want to be taken seriously, you must gather yourself together and unite as a greater whole. If not, you're just going to end up laundry money.
I think I've said all I need to say on this matter. I hope you pennies especially paid attention.
Ok, well I expect to be seeing more of all of you on Friday. I will be anxiously waiting your arrival, and you have every right to call me out if I head straight to Nordy's like last time. I promise I will listen this time.